Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I checked into jail on foursquare
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
