Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize