...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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