worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
