Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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