Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
