I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
