When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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