I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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