he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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