I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
