mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
