This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
