You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
