Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
