So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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