I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
