I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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