i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
