I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
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Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
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He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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