i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
