hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
