You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
