she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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