she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
