Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
