um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
