I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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