You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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