i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
