when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't deserve a penis
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
