My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
