I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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