I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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