I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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