Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
