im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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