Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
