You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
