hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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