First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
