she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
