You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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