I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
