Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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