Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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