I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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