listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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