I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
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But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
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I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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