walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
