I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
