I bet he comes in French.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
