I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
