proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
