Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
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So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
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Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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