Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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