I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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