Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
